My Rant

I'm so aggravated, I'm so tense, I'm so irritable, I'm so depressed. And I hate being this way, so I will choose not to. But it takes so much intention to chose this way. It seems much easier to just allow myself to be negative. I'm frustrated because I am still waiting on my orders, I have no idea when I'm leaving (although I know it's sometime soon). I know I won't be home in time for the girl's birthday, which makes me so angry, and I wanna be angry at my higher ups for sitting on my separation paperwork... but what good will it do me to blame... won't change the fact that I can't be home in time.

So I wait here... waiting and waiting.... like I've been doing for the past year.... waiting for something to change.... waiting to receive notification. I am at the mercy at everyone but myself, and I don't like the feeling of being trapped with invisible handcuffs, I wish I could have just quit and left... but nothing is ever on my time is it... so it made me start thinking.Who am I? I know I am not alone in asking this question. We know for sure that between birth and death there is an experience called life. But am I the experience or the experiencer? Am I this body? Am I my faults? Am I a wife, mother, Airman? I am none of these things. I am not my mistakes, my body or my roles or titles. There is an authenticity we were born with, have lived with, and will die with. When you see the dying we no longer see those faults, mistakes or diseases that we focused on before. Now we see only them. Because at the end of life they become more genuine, more honest, more themselves just like young children and infants.

Are we only able to see who we really are at life's beginnings and endings? Do extreme circumstances reveal ordinary truths? Are we otherwise blind to our genuine selves? Most of us play many roles in our lifetimes. Each of us contains the potential to be anything from Ghandi to Hitler. Most of us don't like to hear the idea that we contain a Hitler though. We often look to others to define us. And we mistakenly define ourselves by the clothes we wear, the car we drive, our job, our relationships. But strip all that away. You are what you are left with, not by the clothes you wear, not what you do. Life is about being not doing.

Ask yourself. What would you do if no one was looking? If you could do anything you wanted, without consequences, what would it be? Your answer to that question reveals alot about who you are, or at least whats in your way. So you strip away all these roles, we are what's left. I like people who are more real that those who hide their true selves under layers of artificial niceties. Always trying to look like the good guy, making people like them.

The grandest kind of perfection of who we are includes being honest first with ourselves and then with the other about our dark sides and imperfections. C'mon, we're not all saints. Don't try and fool anyone, everyone is transparent. We give a piece of ourselves to our parents, our loves, we give a piece to our friends and to our careers. And at the end some people forget having not saved a piece for themselves, and don't know what kind of pie they are. But here's the secret .. are you ready. You don't have to wait until you are dying to find out what flavor you are .... and I'm gonna say I'm chocolate.